Have you ever heard of the saying 'fake it till you make it'? People assume that confidence is something that you are born with (maybe sometimes), however many women that I work with a lot of the time look like they have it all figured out but are struggling to believe in themselves, not seeing their worth, putting themselves down and may have 'made it' on paper but still feel like they are faking it.  

Today I am going to dig deeper into why this could be, why confidence feels so difficult, what the signs could be that you are struggling with your confidence and some things that may help. This blog may resonate with women who are often described as capable, independent, resilient or strong, yet privately struggle with self-doubt and feeling that they are not quite enough. 

 

 What Do We Mean By High Functioning?

High functioning can look like juggling it all, the job, the childcare, the caring for your elders, maintaining your friendships, romantic relationships, your health, remembering appointments, housework, the list goes on. I'm actually tired thinking about it. I also want to bring in the context that depending on your age and stage, you may also have hormone fluctuations to navigate. 

The high functioning part comes in with the fact that you are outwardly handling it all and probably quite successfully; you may be feeling quite stressed, but you're functioning. I liken this to the swan who is so beautiful and serene above the water yet pedalling furiously underneath to stay afloat.  

High functioning also has a role to play in neurodiversity, a lot of women I have worked with who have ADHD have been very used to something called masking, keeping up with a world not built for them and becoming very successful. Sadly, for some that has come at a cost. 

The additional cost of being high functioning to Black women is something I won't fully go into in this blog which I intend to explore in a future blog because there are unique experiences and pressures that deserve their own space. This blog is for all women so please do keep reading. 

 

Why Confidence Can Be Difficult Even When You're Successful

Before I get into this, I just want to highlight that success can look and feel so different according to who you are, we all have different thresholds for what that means. The idea of success may be your own or may come through others. To be honest, if confidence is feeling hard, you may not even see yourself as successful. You may just be full of self-doubt. 

Confidence is tricky as it is based on what people see and perceive even though people often want to work on 'feeling' confident. The more successful you are, the higher the bar can feel and the more internal pressure you can put on yourself. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more you can feel like an imposter.  The further you move away from how you feel, the less you can embody what confidence feels like for you. 

Remember that confidence is linked to what we do (the action) and self-worth is about how we value ourselves, regardless of how much we achieve. That's where the two interlink, the more you value yourself outside of the external, the higher your self-confidence. 

Here are 3 common things that can get in the way of feeling confident: 

 

 Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is when you feel like an imposter in what you are doing. This often shows up as comparing yourself, not feeling enough, feeling like you will be found out and that you need to work harder.  No matter how much external evidence there is to dispute this, you never quite believe in your ability and may tell yourself it is luck. Those persistent feelings can lead to low self-esteem, low confidence and lots of self-doubt. We all need validation to some extent and using feedback to understand ourselves is a helpful process, but if you are only sitting with the negative or constructive criticism, you are probably doing your self-worth an injustice. 

 

Perfectionism

I have worked with (and seen in myself) women who uphold themselves to a very high standard. Now, this in itself isn't a bad thing (look at Serena Williams!) However, perfectionism can get in the way of confidence and good mental health when you use those standards to beat yourself up. The idea of 'perfect' can lead high functioning women to fear making any kind of mistake, the small things can feel really big and hard to recover from. It can make something as important as slowing down and rest, seem impossible to embrace. 

 

Internalised Expectations

People absorb a lot from messages growing up including from (but not limited to), in the media and your family system and we form expectations and beliefs of how we need to be in order to be accepted and loved. According to your cultural and societal environment, you will hold certain expectations and beliefs about yourself and you will probably navigate the world trying to fulfil these expectations. Sometimes the expectations held are not authentic to who you are which can create self-doubt, this can naturally have an impact on self-confidence. 

 

Signs Confidence May Be More Fragile Than It Seems

A few of the ways that struggles with confidence can show up in your life are: 

 

 Negative Self Talk

 

Have you noticed you can be quite hard on yourself when you make a mistake or if you haven't met an expectation you have been holding for yourself? There are lots of times that your inner critic can show up and the way that you speak to yourself impacts the way that you view yourself. Self confidence can feel pretty hard if you are telling yourself you are rubbish or calling yourself names every time you view a mistake as a fail rather than a learning experience.  

 

 Never Celebrating Yourself (not stopping to smell the roses)

 

This is something that I have seen over and over again in my practice, I even wonder if we were taught to celebrate ourselves. A huge sign that your self-confidence may be struggling is finding it hard to acknowledge your achievements, to sit with them and celebrate them (it doesn't mean have a big party, unless you want to!). When we do this, we are reinforcing that our strengths, talents and things we have striven towards have not taken the hard work that they did, that they are 'nothing'. To be self-confident goes hand in hand with self-belief, to believe you are doing something worth acknowledging is powerful for confidence. 

 

Over-preparing

 

Preparation can be really helpful, however over preparation can lead to anxiety, overextending yourself and believing that you are not enough. It is really what is driving the over preparation that is key to understanding it.  If it is fear that you will look stupid, can't afford to fail or need to be perfect then over preparing will be adding to your low self-confidence. Confidence normally comes with self-trust (and no, that doesn't mean you're arrogant!).

 

Being Over Accommodating 

 

People I have worked with often start to notice that they are putting others' needs above their own. This can look like always saying yes, not speaking up when something feels uncomfortable, taking on more than you have capacity for or wanting to come across as nice. Confident people tend to be able to assert their needs and hold good boundaries even when it feels hard. 

 

Catastrophising Mistakes

 

If you feel like it is a disaster when you make mistakes, no matter the size of that mistake, it could be a sign that you are placing your value on how perfect you 'appear' to be. 

 

How to Build More Authentic Confidence

 

If you recognised some of the above, I can imagine some of the reactions may range from feeling sad or hopeless to wondering 'well how do I change things?' The good news is that confidence isn't fixed, it really can be nurtured and strengthened over time. 

Here are some ways that you could begin to practice developing your self-worth and self-confidence. Remember, this is a journey and it is not linear. 

 

💜  Self-awareness

Every journey starts with increasing your self-awareness. Now is the time to start getting curious about how things show up for you. What patterns do you notice for yourself from this post? 

💜  Challenge Your Inner Critic 

It is pretty hard to feel worthy and confident if there is a voice in your head telling you that you are rubbish etc. It can be helpful to not only notice your inner critic when it comes up but the context so that you can understand it better. Try not to judge yourself for it, our protective parts can feel the harshest. You can then add on the step of challenging your inner critic. 

💜  Celebrate Yourself 

It is really easy for others to tell you about your achievements but it is another thing to believe them. It can take practice but it is worth it to start building positive reinforcement for your brain. According to neuroscience research, celebrating your successes leads to a release of dopamine (feel good hormone) and can help towards a positive mindset and feeling hopeful.  Try to remember it is ok to pat yourself on the back for your small and bigger wins and it can be interesting to see what comes up for you when you do.

💜  Practice Expressing Your Needs

Give yourself permission to assert your needs, start small if that feels more comfortable. If you have a safe person in your life, start with them. It may feel really uncomfortable, however it doesn't mean what you are doing is wrong, your body and mind are learning something different, that may not feel safe at first. 

💜  Self-compassion

Self-compassion is often a game changer for confidence and self-worth. Practice giving yourself grace and try to look at anything you do with a balanced perspective. 

 

 When Therapy Can Help

I hope I have provided you with more understanding around self-confidence and self-worth in high functioning women. Therapy can be helpful for your journey with confidence if you would like to dig deeper into your patterns, maybe look at the roots and feel supported when you make changes. 

 

If this blog resonates with you and you would like support with confidence, self-worth or understanding your patterns more deeply, please feel free to get in touch to find out more about working with me. 

You can contact me for an initial call using the contact me form on my homepage here: 

www.intuitioncounselling.co.uk 

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you remember to take good care of yourself throughout it. 

 

Amma  💜